Reversing Good Manners
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to take a guided tour of the Palace of Versailles in France. It wasn't a classic visit, where you talk about the architectural work or the pieces that are there; it was more along the lines of habits and customs. I learned not only about how the royal family lived, but also a little more about those who frequented the place. Interests such as hygiene habits, leisure, food, table manners, secret state meetings and so on.
At one point, the guide focused on the issue of good manners and social etiquette in general of that time. Apart from the obvious caricature of “Marie Antoinette”, moments and things that no longer fit into our days and reality, I confess that a lot of it made sense. At one point, a lady who was with the group, asked the guide what would be considered extremely bad taste and rudeness among the people who passed by there. The guide looked up, smiled and exclaimed in a good and loud tone: “Talking about, and above all, bragging about, one’s own children, before time and life have given them the opportunity to do so!” There was general silence. An uncomfortable feeling had just settled between us. What was that? What was he talking about? How could something so pleasurable, be seen as something socially unacceptable?
The guide then replied that something that was very obvious at a certain point in history, had ceased to be so over time. We needed an explanation, but we ended up receiving several. I will share them with you here and leave them for your reflection:
- It was considered extremely boring. Subjects that did not concern everyone, or were not of general interest, had no place in social settings. They should be restricted to the privacy of the home. Salon subjects were those in which everyone could participate.
- The speaker did not know the situation of the children, or lack of children, of his interlocutors. They could have lost a son in battle, or they could have been betrayed by their children. In short, talking about their children could hurt or embarrass some people present.
- In times when propaganda didn't exist, lol, the true hero was the one who proved himself, live and in color. It wasn't up to third parties to praise the actions of some; the facts spoke for themselves and, over time, became stories worthy of being told. This is also why we know so much about the past, because the facts were told after the event, and not vice versa as is the case today. Today we tell of future success before it happens. I think Eike Batista is a good example here. It's as if the King guaranteed that the army led by his son was the best and that it would certainly defeat the enemy. If that didn't happen, it would be a huge embarrassment. Have you thought about that?
- And finally, the last reason I understood, and the one I liked the most. It's not up to parents to praise their children, but rather for children to praise their parents. Why? Because when we praise our children (most of the time, not always of course, because merit exists), we are actually praising ourselves. We are disguisedly praising our achievements, telling others what we are capable of doing for others. See, to this day the phrase “I, Sun King” is used as a definition of arrogance; in reference to the creator of Versailles himself, Louis XIV, who, it must be said, had no choice when he ascended to the throne at the age of 5. Self-praise is never well received, is it? When a father speaks of a son, he speaks of himself; when he speaks of his parents, he acknowledges, defers to the other.
I must confess that, in my opinion, it makes perfect sense. When I hear someone talk about their children, I try to pay attention, but when, rarely, someone speaks with pride about their parents or tells stories that will be passed down from generation to generation, it moves me greatly. I am concerned to notice that we have inverted the order of things. How so? Since when have our children achieved more, with their limited experience and age, than our parents? What times are these when we fear so much for their well-being and success (by the way, the concept of success is relative) that we already predict their brilliant future before it happens? Not to mention the eternal punishment to which we are subjecting them. Having to fulfill our prophecies. What painful pressure are we subjecting them to? And for what?
In short, with all the mistakes they may have made, our parents, in some way, mistakenly or not, brought us here. Whether we like it or not, we must recognize that they have completed a journey, and, except in isolated cases of abuse or physical and mental mistreatment, these parents deserve our respect. Just as we hope that one day our children will recognize our efforts and carry us in their hearts and, yes, perhaps, in their memories. But to do that, we have to stop talking about them, including to them, and to everyone who will listen to us, and start telling them where we came from. Because if you don't know where you're coming from, you'll have a hard time understanding where you need to go. I think I've said that before.
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